Grow up, Vancouver

You’d think that the good burghers of Vancouver, after having performed the Herculean tasks of (a) landing the Winter Olympic games, and (b) executing a most efficient and tidy preparation for those games, would have, in the eight-year process, generated ample self-confidence and possibly even an obnoxious swagger of equally Herculean proportions. If they showed it, I wouldn’t complain. I’d be the first to say they’d earned it.

But apparently not so.

After the opening ceremonies – a/k/a “kitsch and glitch” – and the international chorus of arched eyebrows and yawns and catcalls which ensued – their collective self esteem collapsed in a fashion strikingly similar to a 13-year old who discovers a whopper of a pimple on their nose the morning of yearbook photo day.

You know, that calm, measured, reasoned reaction:

STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!

HAVEN’T YOU EVER HAD A ZIT?

WELL AT LEAST IT’S NOT AS BIG AS YOURS!!!

Word was received earlier today that some groups of volunteers working at the Games were read an epistle, presumably to buoy their sagging spirits in the light of shameful taunts from the international community.

In a real Dave-Barry-I-am-not-making-this-up spirit, I am pleased to reproduce the tract in its entirety … with some fair-minded qualifications in parentheses to some of the more egregious claims:

This is for all the PROUD Canadians working for the games!

We never claimed to be perfect,

That means we’ve learned to be humble.

We say excuse me and I'm sorry…as well as please and thanks,

Even when its not our fault we apologize.

Sure one arm of the torch didn't rise, (you spent $30 million on the opening ceremonies, and I saw some great costumes and all, but why not a redundant hydraulic cylinder or a $500 limit switch? Ah, Canada … the land of the Avro Aero and the Canadarm, once we could lead the world in some cutting-edge technologies … now, give us millions and we’ll pour it into veneer and frills, but not on hardware. I can see the international community lining up to invest in our manufacturing sector)

But when the earthquake struck Haiti, Canadians raised their hands to say…”We’ll help.” (Indeed, individual Canadians have been very generous, donating at least $113 million, matched by $113 million from the federal government, for a total of $226 million. But what, the rest of the world sat by and twiddled thumbs? Individual Americans donated at least $774 million, with $655 million (so far) from their federal government (USAid and DoD), for a total of $1.429 billion.)

And yah, there is a fence around the torch, (no doubt cleverly designed with aesthetics to pay homage to that oppressed class of Canadians [prisoners] forcibly incarcerated at Oakalla)

But you can walk right up and shake hands with our prime minister and most famous Canadians. (uh, do the phrases “Pepper Spray” and “Chretien” when strung together mean anything to Vancouverites? And considering that Canada (i.e. Chretien) turned its back on its best ally and bailed on the Coalition of the Willing … if you don’t irritate the extremists of the international community, no, they don't want to take a swing at you or blow up your Skytrain or knock down your buildings. Such are the benefits of not taking a stand)

We put Gretzky in the back of a pick up, in the rain, not surrounded by police…and he was okay,
And by the way... the great one is Canadian…and HE wasn’t complaining! (WHAT!!! Did CTV not show the look of seething disgust in his eyes while he waited … and waited … and WAITED … while the torch arm failed to launch??? That came through loud and clear on NBC!)

We do have security at the games, of course, but most people don't even have a gun they have to leave at home. (Correct. Thanks to Chretien’s $1.5 billion gun registry, only criminals are allowed to carry guns in Canada)

The medals ARE under lock and key, but our doors and our hearts are open to the world. (As open as ... as open as ... well, as open as are the locks to the Tasers with which to welcome Caucasian immigrants to our friendly and welcoming country)

It has been pointed out that some buses broke down last week (Holy Lake Placid, Batman ... do you think with the Olympic Games going on and all, maybe we should do maintenance on our bus fleet?) …but let’s not overlook the fact that our banking system didn't. (Excuse me. I think you just offended the entire nation of Greece with that remark. Care to apologize?)

We didn't get the "green ice maker" right this time…but we will, eventually,
Just like we did when we invented the zamboni. (“We”? Ahem … good thing there is no gold medal for fact checking. The Zamboni was invented by Frank Zamboni, American citizen, in Paramount, California, because the Canadian system of drawing water and tipping barrels to flood the ice was too inefficient. The Canadian Brotherhood of Coopers has never recovered)

Citius altius fortius

If you don't reach higher how do you get faster and stronger? (Stanozolol?)

Was the first quad jump perfect? (The judges don't even look for it anymore, according to Elvis Stojko)

Should we not have given snowboarding to the world "in case" it didn’t take off? (I hear that the Jamaican snowboarding team is hoping to “own the podium” this year, if they can only get by those pesky Egyptians and Uruguayans. Actually, I shouldn't mock snowboarding. It's as legitimate an Olympic winter sport as the others that Canada has proposed and the IOC is considering for 2014 in Sochi, like Short Track Ice Fishing, Snowmobile-X, and Making Snow Angels in Fresh Powder Snow)

So big deal…one out of four torch arms didn't rise. Good thing we had three more! It’s called contingency planning! (It’s also called failing in 1/4 th of your design objective, albeit with a small audience of only like 1200 million people watching)

But remember…the Canadarm works every time (yes it was a piece of Canadian mechanical ingenuity which actually worked more than 3/4 ths of the time, and it was developed back in the 1970’s when we invested in technology ... and what did Canada [MacDonald Dettwiler] do with the technology? We SOLD IT!! To an American buyer, of course) …in outerspace…and insulin turned out to be okay. (much better than rice beer)

We couldn't change the weather, but maybe we can help to stop global warming. (uh, didn’t the [disgraced] head of the East Anglia Research Unit just admit last Sunday that there has been no statistical warming of the earth over the past 15 years? Isn’t the Antarctic ice mass growing [inconveniently]? I’ve got some flat earth in Florida you might be interested in…)

We don't have the tax base of the US or the power of the Chinese but, per capita, we ponied up for some pretty kick-ass venues in the worst global recession ever. (Oh, you mean like that spanking new figure skating venue [1967, PNE money], the hockey venue [1995, Griffiths money], and all other venues and infrastructure for which funds were committed before the recession even hit?)

Sure, some folks couldn't afford tickets, but our health care is universal. (And 10 out of 10 9 out of 10 provincial premiers agree!!!! – [Hat Tip: Danny from St. John’s, Newfoundland])

We have shown the world that we can raise our voices in celebration and song, but moments later stand in silence to respect a tragic event...together...spontaneously…and unrehearsed.

What's more, we don't need permission from anyone to have a slam poet, fiddlers with piercings and a lesbian singer tell our story to the world while our multilingual female Haitian-born, black head of state shares a box with her first nations equals. (Or to totally embarrass the rest of the country in front of the world with the national anthem. Did the slam poet get permission from Molson’s for lamely ripping off the “I am Joe and I am Canadian” concept? Though, we did appreciate the impromptu 6-minute bathroom break we got when the Fred Ewanuick lookalike floated … and floated … and floated … and floated stultifyingly during that Joni Mitchell song. And if Bryan Adams, whose career peaked before the Calgary Olympics, was relevant, then where were Trooper and April Wine and Bobby Taylor and the Vancouvers and Rolf Harris? I'm actually surprised DOA and Steve Fonyo [with J. Bob Carter] weren't part of the festivities in the interests of inclusiveness)

We’ve shown the world that it doesn’t always rain in Vancouver, that you can strive for excellence, but not get hung up on perfection. (great! Next, try working on not being hung up on criticism!)

And we’ve learned what it feels like to be picked on by some no-name newspaper guy and we don’t have to take it lying down! (great! Next, try working on not being hung up on criticism!)

So the point is not the snow, or the hydraulics or a couple guys being 5 minutes late to a ceremony,
We know we’re lucky that these are the biggest problems we've had to deal with in the last couple weeks.

So take your cheap shots…Guardian newspaper and cynics of the world,

We're bigger and better than that.

What's more we're finally starting to believe it! (If you did believe any of it, would any of this creed have been necessary at all?)